Last week was not an intended blog vacation. And as I sit here, writing up this post, I’m still torn about what I want to say about why the radio silence happened. Here on the blog, I always try and be open and honest about things in my life. This blog is a personal place for me, and sometimes personal things are shit. I have no intention of only trying to put on a happy face and present the good things in my life for all to see. Sometimes, things are not good. But when it comes to sharing personal things, especially the bad personal things, I always get full of self-doubt. Is this oversharing? Is there even a point to sharing? But, like I said above, I want this place to be a reflection of me, and my life. So here goes.
My relationship right now is pretty much a wreck. There isn’t any other way to put it. I don’t plan to share each and every detail; I don’t think it would be productive or healthy, but suffice to say, things are pretty shit. Last Monday, it all kind of came out and everything else in life went on hold.
There has been so much stress. This past week was nearly nothing but stress. The blog, art (except commission work, which is finished), reading, keeping up with other blogs – everything was paused. I debated posting, and sticking to my schedule, and realized anything I posted would be total bullshit. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to pretend that my life was just dandy. Because right now, it isn’t. I took the week to focus on self-care & obviously, relationship-care. We needed to decide if our relationship is fixable. We both think it is, and more importantly, we both want to fix it. I’m doing my best not to let my anxiety rule me, as it does when stress levels are high.
Now that the week is done, and we have talked endlessly during it, I feel like I’m in a place where I can share the state we are in. It’s difficult. It’s scary, sad, and sometimes angering that things could never be the way they once were. There is a lot of hurt that has to be healed, and currently I don’t really know how to begin to heal myself. But I am hopeful. Hopeful that things can be fixed. That the future we’ve always talked about is still something we both want. Unfortunately, that can only happen with a lot of time, and probably more hard times along the way.
I’m still terrified to post this. But I feel like I have to. If I never make mention of it, I feel like I’m lying to you. This situation has taken over my life right now, so to pretend it never happened here on the blog feels so disingenuous. And on the other hand, is it weird to be sharing things about my personal relationship? Is it strange to be openly talking about my problems on the internet? I talked to my partner about it, and he understands my need to share. And yet, I still sit here and worry what people will think. Though I suppose that comes with the territory of blogging.
Posting will be back on schedule from here (Monday – Personal Posts, Wednesday – Art Posts, Friday – Geek Posts) and I may add in a few I wanted to get up last week on the off days. I feel like I’m in a good enough place now where I can write without it feeling fake, forced, or putting on a front. And I am happy to be back to reading/commenting blogs too! It’s amazing how much can happen in a week.
I hope all my US friends had a wonderful 4th of July weekend, and a great day off today! We are spending the day at StoryLand (awesome amusement park!) and after the week we’ve had, I’m really excited to just enjoy some time together. We need it.