Why The Radio Silence

Last week was not an intended blog vacation. And as I sit here, writing up this post, I’m still torn about what I want to say about why the radio silence happened. Here on the blog, I always try and be open and honest about things in my life. This blog is a personal place for me, and sometimes personal things are shit. I have no intention of only trying to put on a happy face and present the good things in my life for all to see. Sometimes, things are not good. But when it comes to sharing personal things, especially the bad personal things, I always get full of self-doubt. Is this oversharing? Is there even a point to sharing? But, like I said above, I want this place to be a reflection of me, and my life. So here goes.

My relationship right now is pretty much a wreck. There isn’t any other way to put it. I don’t plan to share each and every detail; I don’t think it would be productive or healthy, but suffice to say, things are pretty shit. Last Monday, it all kind of came out and everything else in life went on hold.

There has been so much stress. This past week was nearly nothing but stress. The blog, art (except commission work, which is finished), reading, keeping up with other blogs – everything was paused. I debated posting, and sticking to my schedule, and realized anything I posted would be total bullshit. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to pretend that my life was just dandy. Because right now, it isn’t. I took the week to focus on self-care & obviously, relationship-care. We needed to decide if our relationship is fixable. We both think it is, and more importantly, we both want to fix it. I’m doing my best not to let my anxiety rule me, as it does when stress levels are high.

Now that the week is done, and we have talked endlessly during it, I feel like I’m in a place where I can share the state we are in. It’s difficult. It’s scary, sad, and sometimes angering that things could never be the way they once were. There is a lot of hurt that has to be healed, and currently I don’t really know how to begin to heal myself. But I am hopeful. Hopeful that things can be fixed. That the future we’ve always talked about is still something we both want. Unfortunately, that can only happen with a lot of time, and probably more hard times along the way.

I’m still terrified to post this. But I feel like I have to. If I never make mention of it, I feel like I’m lying to you. This situation has taken over my life right now, so to pretend it never happened here on the blog feels so disingenuous. And on the other hand, is it weird to be sharing things about my personal relationship? Is it strange to be openly talking about my problems on the internet? I talked to my partner about it, and he understands my need to share. And yet, I still sit here and worry what people will think. Though I suppose that comes with the territory of blogging.

Posting will be back on schedule from here (Monday – Personal Posts, Wednesday – Art Posts, Friday – Geek Posts) and I may add in a few I wanted to get up last week on the off days. I feel like I’m in a good enough place now where I can write without it feeling fake, forced, or putting on a front. And I am happy to be back to reading/commenting blogs too! It’s amazing how much can happen in a week.

I hope all my US friends had a wonderful 4th of July weekend, and a great day off today! We are spending the day at StoryLand (awesome amusement park!) and after the week we’ve had, I’m really excited to just enjoy some time together. We need it.

 

 

  • I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a crappy time IRL. Wishing you all the best: I’ll be rooting for you guys from the other side of the world! xx

    • Kay

      Thank you Neri! <3

  • I’m very sorry about that, Kay, and I totally understand the oversharing doubt you have. Sometimes I find myself wanting to write some complaints about being single and having few people that I can actually call friends, but then I am afraid to share, because I’m afraid of what other people would think about it.

    I hope you’ll spend a great day despite all! <3

    • Kay

      It can be such a struggle to figure out what is and isn’t appropriate to share here, even if I WANT to share it. And thank you so much, we did have a really enjoyable day!

  • B.

    I hope everything works out for you guys! I get what ya mean with sharing too much. Sometimes it’s hard to know where are our own lines are.

    • Kay

      Thank you! And it’s a weird struggle for sure, but in the end I just go with what I’m comfortable with.

  • Sorry Kay<3 I wish you guys the best of luck while you try to sort things out. it's brave of you to open up about something so personal. ~sending positive vibes your way~

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Kristin! <3

  • Reading your post made my heart break for you. I am sorry for your heartache. And I know as humans we try to empathize by sharing similar experiences, sometimes it’s just natural to try and connect when we don’t know how to express how we wish to help or give love.

    But here in this moment I can tell you I am going through a very difficult time with my partner as well right now. A kind of bombshell was dropped on me 2 weeks ago that has rocked my trust issues. Like you there has been many fights, long talks, couch nights and much more. You see we recently bought a home and this came after. In a time I should be enjoying the great possibilities of a new future together, I’m wondering how we can repair the damage and hopefully move forward, as we love each other very much.

    Every day so far has brought new challenges, the person I trusted most, my best friend, the one who knew me most hurt me and I don’t know how to be around him-should I be loving? should I be distant? It sucks when the person you’re used to going to when you’re hurt is the one who is responsible.

    I can tell you my art has been a cathartic outlet. There’s a lot of very sad, aggressive drawings that have been pushing out all this pent up emotion. I hope you can find some form of release whether be in art or in the smiles of your daughter or in the support of your family and friends.

    I understand it’s difficult to know where the line is with sharing about your personal life and the fear of judgment from our peers or potential professional relationships. It’s something that keeps me from saying anything sometimes and I battle with it daily, especially now. But when I’m this hurt it’s hard for me to have a public face that doesn’t show how I’m feeling. Slowly I’ve been engaging friends and talking more this helps.

    So my thoughts are, we live on the internet openly about everything else, build roads of communication and communities of friends, why shouldn’t we express the hard parts of life? In those times we build some of the closet bonds, we’ve all been hurt by loved ones at one point or another and to be able to reach out to someone half way across the world and say hey you’re not alone and I got your back, is something so amazing to me.

    So from Germany I send you all the love and hugs, I’m here with you in this limbo realm, and if you need a person to talk to you have my email address <3

    • Kay

      OH MY GOSH thank you so much for this comment. Seriously. I do think I’ll be emailing you – honestly, just having someone who can understand the current situation (from what you’ve written, I feel like we are in the same boat) can be so helpful. We can commiserate together, and hopefully find some productive ways to move forward positively together.

      As for you what you said about the internet and roads of communication and friends – YES. It’s why I wanted to share here. The blog ladies I’ve met and the communities I’m a part of matter to me, and I feel like I’d be lying if I just carried on like nothing happened. This has effected all aspects of my life, and I definitely wanted to let people know that sometimes things suck, and we deal.

      Another bonus is because I have such awesome internet friends such as yourself, I can find further connections, and people who relate. As someone who has few real-life friends, that is really helpful in a time like this.

      • I’m happy I can be of some help 🙂 and look forward to hopefully coming up with like you said positive ways to move forward. Will be great to talk to someone who is directly going through it too. I mean it’s not great that we’re both dealing with some heavy shit haha but it’s good to talk 😀

        Same here I’ve met some amazing people like you and Ashlee from Her Geekery through the fem geek blog o’ sphere and many others across the globe. It’s really heartwarming to know there are like minded people out there to build friendships and have supportive communities. Especially being a newbie here in Berlin it’s nice to come home and find friends on the interweb.

        <3 <3 <3

  • Nichole

    My dear I am so sorry! I too took some time to do exactly what you are doing but for different reasons. Sometimes taking a step back helps heal and gets things back on track. I am sending you positive thoughts and vibes! Take care!

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Nichole! <3

  • Rain

    <3

    I hope StoryLand was fun. I loooooved going there as a kid. I was just thinking about that place this weekend, too. It made me all nostalgic. There's nothing like StoryLand in the South except the Mouse. Somethings are definitely better up North. ^_~

    • Kay

      It really was a great day. I hadn’t been there since I was a kid, and so much of it made me feel really nostalgic. Seeing the Polar Coaster again was a total blast from the past.

  • I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time right now, friend. You’re an amazing person and you deserve the best, so I’m rooting for you to work everything out and be happy<3 Sending all the positive thoughts your way!

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Ashlee! <3

  • Sonya

    Aw, I hope that, however things turn out, you can all figure out what’s best without too much, well, shit to shovel through on the way. <3

    • Kay

      Thanks Sonya. <3 Currently, we need a big ass shovel, but you've got to start somewhere.

  • gamerwife

    *hugs* Take all the time you need for you. We will be here when you feel like returning. And if you feel like talking I’m around. I’ve definitely been there with the relationship struggles, but I also know that things can get better if you’re both committed to making things work. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. But most of all don’t forget to take care of yourself.

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Mariko. <3 I am really working on the self care. And yes, knowing we are committed to making it work does relieve some stress. But getting back to things being okay again, that's where the real work starts.

  • oh my god kay. <3 here for you, all the time, and dont put pressure on yourself, especially for your blog. your readers will always be here!

    • Kay

      Thanks Liana! <3

  • I’m so sorry Kayly 🙁 Self care is important, take care of you before worrying about blog stuff! We’ll always be here when you come back. You both want to work things out, and I think that’s the most important part <3

    • Kay

      Definitely true. Thanks Natalie! <3

  • OMG Kayly! I’m so sorry that this is happening. But as someone who has divorced parents who never talked about what was bothering them, I think what you and your husband are doing (ie. communicating, even if that communication is angry at times) is good. You talked and you decided your relationship is something worth fixing. Knowing you both want to fix it is really, really good and you’ve already taken the first, most important step. Keep communicating!

    I’m sending you a giant hug right now! <3
    ~Sara

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Sara! We are definitely putting in the work, and I agree, that we both want to fix things is so reassuring. Thank you again; hug happily received! 🙂 <3

  • Girl! Marriage is tough! I can’t say how many times I’ve been sure this is it. We are done and I’m going to be a single mom. Things are hard the longer you stay with someone and I have after almost 10 years of marriage it has not always been a walk in the park. I love my husband till the ends of the earth and beyond but I know that we all have those moments. We’ve had our fair share. But it is good you are communicating and showing you both still love each other! That you both as willing to fix things means you truly value the relationship and that is a wonderful thing! I wish I could send you a real hug and not a virtual one but hang in there.

    • Kay

      Thank you Dina! We’ve been together for 8 years, and I agree, it definitely can get tough. Relationships do take work to maintain. I think things will work out though. Thanks again!

  • Never fear sharing personal info on your blog. I know it can be hard, and I struggle with the “how much is too much” / “how does this ‘fit’ with the rest of what I write about” demons, but at the end of the day, this is your space. You do with it what you want.

    I’m glad to hear that things are headed in a positive direction. Sending lots of love to you, friend, in this hard time. <3

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Mandy. <3 My little internet tribe has showered me with love about this, and it seriously does make a difference.

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  • Sending you big hugs on being super brave for sharing + taking time for self care. I’m sorry you are going through this but I’m so glad to hear you guys are communicating and willing to try to work things out. I love your blog + you! I struggle with what to share, especially personal stuff. I love seeing the person behind the blog. Best of luck lady! xoxox

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Shawna! <3

  • Mariah Kaercher

    Sending you love!! <3 I think your blog you should have liberty to share what you would like on it. So if you want to get personal then go for it otherwise, you don't have to.

    • Kay

      Thanks Mariah! <3 And that is very true. 🙂

  • I’m totally tardy, but I’m finally catching up on your blog.

    I’ve been there. Without knowing details and without sharing my own, I’ve at least been similarly there. My husband and I have had this moment twice in our relationship and have decided to work through it both times. It rips your guts out. It makes the world gray. And the healing never really stops. But hopefully it will get better. It’s gotten better here, if that’s any consolation. And the second time it happened, the reasons being the same as the first time, we were better equipped mentally and emotionally to put it down faster.

    I wish you the best of luck. ***hugs***

    • Kay

      Thank you so much Lynn! Ripping your guts out is such an accurate description. It sucks. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild. But we are working on it, together, which is important I think. And I agree, I currently can’t imagine the healing process ending at all, hell, I’m having trouble even with BEGINNING the healing process. But we’re willing to put in the work, and that’s a start. Thank you so much again for sharing, hearing from people who have experienced similar things really means a lot!!

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  • Oh I didn’t know you were going through this! (Been so bad at keeping up with blogs)
    Relationship troubles are THE worst. They can really have so much affect on you and add so much stress. The past year of my life has been nothing but relationship troubles (from splitting up, meeting a new guy, getting divorced, then the new guy breaking my heart… it’s been a fucking crazy year!) but I’m glad that you guys are communicating. That is SO important. That is what killed my marriage. My ex-husband did not want to talk, ever… until it was too late. Sending you hugs Kay!

    • Kay

      Thanks Jess! Relationships are such murky water. They change, and you have to be willing to change with them, and that can be fucking tough! They certainly aren’t easy…they have easy moments, yes, but they take WORK. Luckily, things are going really well!!

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