So today’s post is going to be giant rambling schlog. I have every intention of making it coherent, but we’ll see how that goes. Along with sharing things I love, I use this space to share what’s going on in my life, and lately I’ve had some life choice anxiety that’s been weighing on me. I’m comfortable enough in my little blog space here to share it, so here goes.
So as you all probably know by now, I’m opening up an art shop at the beginning of April. And while I’m very excited for that, I’m also so fucking stressed & anxious about it. Mainly because I don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m doing. And I don’t mean just about setting up shop. I just don’t feel legitimate as an ‘artist’. I know my work is good. And I’m loving pushing out of my comfort zone this year. But I still feel like I don’t really have a direction for my art yet, and it makes me feel invalid. Like there’s no meaning to it.
I’ve been reading, researching, and attending webinars about having an online business and establishing a client base and the main thing that they all seem to ask is, What service are your offering or problem are you solving for your client? And I don’t have an answer for that. Somehow, Uhhhh, I draw cool shit? just doesn’t seem like enough.
Now, I’m not being unrealistic. I know that art isn’t exactly a problem solver, it’s an aesthetic! I’m not trying to find some deeper existential meaning in my work. But I would like to feel like it has some direction by the time I open up shop. Also, I’m super worried about what’s even going to be IN my shop. I don’t exactly have a plethora of stock ready to go, despite working steadily these past couple month. Is what I have enough? Will anyone care? AHHHHHHH! That about sums up my brain lately.
Another thing causing me life choice anxiety about this venture is something I only came to realize after chatting with a friend this week. I feel guilty for it. Once my daughter starts public school in the fall, I will be dedicating all my time to art and attempting to earn my income via that, instead of some ‘real life’ job where I’ll be miserable. And I feel incredibly guilty for it. Because I love making art. And I get to spend all day doing what I love attempting to make my living out of it, while my hubs is off to his day job which he loathes.
He supports me 100% in this venture. In fact, me doing this means he gets to keep judging Magic the Gathering tournaments on the side which he absolutely loves doing. But I still feel guilty. I still feel like I’ll be sitting at home enjoying away my day while he supports us. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I’m not doing ‘nothing’; I’m actively working towards a career I love. And while my brain knows that, I still feel like a jerk for it.
So overall, I’m stressed. I don’t feel ready for this yet, but I know me. I’m the kind of person who eventually has to just jump in otherwise I’ll spend all my time researching and preparing and researching and preparing, all the while never actually GETTING to it. I will learn to accept that this is a valid choice. I will learn to say with confidence, “I’m an artist.” when people ask me what I do. Even if I’m not there yet. My shop will open up in April. Even if there are only five things in it. And I’ll go from there. Everybody’s got to start somewhere, right?
Have you ever had life choice anxiety? How did you deal?